Mother’s Day 

today has been very relaxing and very good. Lots of nerves and anxiety coursing underneath my skin but I am doing my best to keep calm and carry on. 

Mom woke up early as usual. Made her own breakfast. Her request was to stay in pajamas all day and she has so far achieved that. We got her flowers and a card and baked potatoes so she is happy. We went on a walk today and it was really sunny. 

I discovered a new Netflix show that I like with lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda. It os very funny and sad and helps me get my dad out while making me laugh. 

I cried this morning again. Leaving sucks. I feel better about things with Edgar but I still need to talk to him. It sucks that this major thing happened with so little time left. 

Anne helped me pack on music and now mom is going through different pictures to print. I got movies and documents and so I think that I am all set. I need to make moms cd and get stuff off the old brick iPod but I am set after that. All packed and all set. 

I am very sad still but today life was perfect. No fights, time well spent. I love my family. 

TRENTY 

A big beast

a big big big beast

Climbs between us in our bed 

Now I cannot sleep  
I wrote that a few weeks ago in my head but I just figured I’d write it down. 

I feel like lately I only journal negative emotions which is good in that I am getting it all out but in posteritys sake I have had moments of happiness lately I am just too busy enjoying them to write it down. 

Micah left yesterday with Melody. That ended up being a debacle. A weirdly quiet day ended in an inconvenient drop off. Micah was no help either, he did absolutely zero planning for his own transportation. I am glad he is gone because I can relax now. At least I have the space now to deal with what is bothering me. 

Last night after Micah left, I went to see Edgar and Matt who were camping nearby. I felt bad leaving my mom but I figured o would spend one night with Edgar and might as well make it the night nothing was planned. So I drive up and they have already had some drinks. We ate dinner and had some more drinks and the weed came out. I was high when I got there so I just smoked more. Edgar smoked too so I was happy for that. But suddenly Matt got really horny. He started kissing me while Edgar was checking out the dogs so I had to stop him and wait for Edgar. I had no idea this was a thing and I needed to make sure it was all right. Edgar kinda sorta said he liked it with facial expressions. It occurs to me now that he only said small yesses  when asked a leading question. But in the moment I go with it and soon all three of us are making out and then Matt is blowing the both of us and I blow Edgar too and Edgar starts passing out from the weed and Matt fucks me bare. And in the moment it was fun and hot and I liked it. 

Today I feel like shit about it. Even writing it down I feel dirty and mortified. I feel a deep sense of shame. I am ashamed because I liked it so much. And embarrassed by that shame because I am guessing this is not the first time something like this has happened and I am at a lower level of sexual liberation. And I am full of questions – how long has he wanted to do this? Is this normal for when he goes out with his other friends? Is this something he wants or wanted to do a lot of? We talk a lot about how he only wants my heart – but is that because he thinks so little of my body that anyone can have it? He talk about how I only have his heart – so does that mean there are others or a desire for others? I am filled with insecurity. It is sort of impossible not to feel insecure about a relationship when departing for 2 years. What will happen when he meets another “pollo” that is more sexually liberated than me and will do the things he wants to do? 

And now I am crying in my living room. 

So this morning I wake up and things are fine but as the day goes on I feel weirder and weirder about it. I leave to go to my sisters soccer game which gives me time to think. I text edgarvthat we need to talk because I am freaking out. He says ok. 

I get back to the camp and edgarvis sleeping. His stomach was upset. I wondered if that was code for “emotionally upset” but I now have decided against that hypothesis. Matt and I talk and it is good for a bit. Edgatvwakes up and things go in a good direction. Then Matt talks about Andy and asks if I’ve heard the whole story. All I knew was the drama with Raymundo so I played coy. He replied “oh well Chris and I fell in love with him and he turned out not to love us back”. So I immediately kamikaze into a spiral of self worth and reopening the case of my sexual inadequacy and thinking “of course you aren’t enough for him” and wondering how Matt saw me now and worrying about negative comments. 

Feeling a panick coming on, I pull out the weed and smoke. I offer to Edgar and he declines. Ioffer to matt and he takes it. But he soon got horny again and began commenting on me again. I should have learned from the first time. 

The food is finished and we eat. It is good. I have like thirty minutes left and I just want it to be quality time with my man but instead I am haunted by these dark thoughts. And suddenly Matt is making out with me again. And I realize in this moment that I can’t say no. I want to, I really think I want to say no but I don’t.  I worry what effect it would have on Matt and the confrontation spurning him would cause. I wonder if I said no if Edgar would be proud or disappointed or neither. And I let him do it. And I shut down. I count every second twice before I am able to escape and I do without giving too much away hopefully. I get in my car and drive. 

About midway through Nikiski I begin having a panic cry attack. Everything every thought every sight every sound comes back to Edgar leaving me because I am inferior. I remember the pictures Matt was showing of the “pollo” he was chasing. The new hiking friends he met from Atlanta. How they were going to camp (or fuck? I feel if I wasn’t there last night Edgar woulda fucked Matt. Was it a sex party weekend from the start?) before going to homer. Would Edgar have done anything with them? Would I have any room to be upset if he did? This leads me to the thought that I have never been what Edgar wants. And I am cobstantly reminding him of how disappointing I am sexually. And with so little time left before I go I can’t see how I am going to survive this. 

I want to talk to him about this stuff but I am afraid that it isn’t worth it now to bring it up, if I do it will ruin things further, that we are doomed anyways so why try to save us now? And I am nothing but hopelessness. 

Getting home tonight I was freshly accosted by my mother and sisters about what Edgar and I planned to do once I left and I started crying again. Then we put on movies and k fell asleep. 

Now I just finished an episode of a new Netflix show and I am blogging. 

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day so I will be happy for my mother. 

TRENTY 

Driving to Homer

again it has been a long time! I need to get better at this. 

Micah and I are driving to Homer with my dad to see my sisters soccer game. It looks like it might rain but I only brought my jimmy johns hoodie so I might be getting wet. 

Last night Mary and I saw Rhiannon Giddens in Palmer. It was great. I didn’t see Edgar though because Palmer is so far away I left shortly after he got home and got back after he was already sleeping. The opening act was really good and I bought her cd. 

When we got into Kenai we were locked out for a bit because dad was at the VA. The drive was overcast but nice. It was good to have Micah around for the drive because it seemed to make the time go by quicker. We also happened to make good time. 

I was still even a little on the fence about Micah coming this morning but it has been fine so far. He said melody was picking him up sometime on Friday to go to homer which is fine for me. I do wonder if he is doing it to avoid seeing Edgar and though that does bother me, it actually simplifies things. 

Tomorrow will be packing day. And find my hiking shoes day! If I don’t find them tomorrow I will message Evan to see if I left them there…. I found my sunglasses thankfully but I need those shoes!!! 

Maybe we will watch Guardians of the Galaxy. 

TRENTY 

Snoring King 

today has been weird. Got a really late start but managed to do most everything. Edgar was snoring bad last night so I couldn’t fall asleep. I went into the other bedroom to sleep around 2 AM. 

I called Denise. She is gonna call tomorrow to set something up. Skyped with meg. I am glad she is applying for a ton of jobs in Alaska. We are gonna skype next week too. I have gone over the packing list – I know what all stuff I need. I just need to send the invites out. 

I wanna hang out with Micah today but I feel weird leaving Edgar. I keep asking Micah to come over here but it is deflected by something or another. Gah. 

So I ended up going over to Melody’s to hang out. We will see how it goes. 

TRENTY 

Album is done!!! 

I finished the album!!

I woke up early ish to get started on the work, but then I remembered RuPaul was new so I watched that first. It set me behind by a lot so I was resigned to working on some of the album tomorrow but I really got cookin so I powered through and it is done!!! I am glad Pearl got to stay. Fame sucked at the lip sync. Pearl wasn’t that great but she was better than the first time. The lip syncs this season have been bad. Booty bad. I watched some of the season recaps of the lip syncs and seasons 2 and 5 were incredible. 4 too. I need to watch 3 and 6 to really be sure. I will watch that as well as untucked here in a bit. 

I had dinner and dessert with Mary. It was great to catch up. I feel like I’ve been hesitant to see anyone but now I’ve broken the ice I wanna hang out with everyone. 

TRENTY 

Later on 

today was going really well. I did everything on my list, planned for a big day tomorrow, played some Pokemon, and hung out with my man. I am feeling very emotional and raw lately likely due to my impending departure. 

So I am doing the dishes and Edgar brigs up his friend hiraldo and his unlucky encounter with a “straight” friend Fernando. Hiraldo is married to a man named Jack (who apparently has his first husbands ashes on the mantle) but messed around (as per their arrangement) and started to have feelings for Fernando who ended up dying of cancer. And Edgar goes on and on about how sad it is and that his friend has no one to talk to about it because he is married and how sad that is. But I don’t think it is sad. In my opinion, he was asking for trouble. And I feel cold and dead inside like the ice queen. And I think it is my insecurity and my monogamy wired brain acting up, but which is the lady and which is the tiger? 

This, all after I noticed Edgar had a message from scruff. I didn’t read it before but I read it now and it killed me. I knew it would but I did it anyway. There were all the hot young single guys that he was chatting up (if only one sided). Guys I knew in real life. And it killed me. I deleted Grindr yesterday. I did it so I wouldn’t be distracted this week for work but also because I don’t want to spend any of my dwindling time with anyone but Edgar. And I can’t help but think he is just biding his time until I go and then he can hound around Anchorage fun and fancy free. Which – can’t he be doing that now? We say our bodies are open but our hearts are closed. I have slept with other people. Many other people. It’s not fair to hold him to that. But it is killing me now. Fair or not. 

I don’t even know if I should bring it up with such little time left. I don’t wanna muck it up with four weeks left. 

I feel sick. 

TRENTY 

Monday 

its back to work time bitches!!! 

I am back from my long vacation and it’s time to get down to business. I have peace corps and album stuff to do today so I gotta get right to it. 

I just did the dishes in fact! Other house chores is like unpacking and vacuuming. 

So first I’m gonna do album stuff from 10-12, then take a 30 min Pokemon break. At 12:30 I will vacuum and unpack. Then at 1 I will do album stuff until 2:30. Then I will take another Pokemon break. At 3 I will switch into peace corps work starting with the learning space, then to the updated resume/aspiration statement. Then to packing. I learned last night that staging has moved up two days and it has really stressed me out. But nothing to do about it! 

Gotta get to work. 

TRENTY 

It’s like the babadook 

I guess I am feeling very lonely and sad but no one wants to hang out with someone who is sad which is why I am self isolating. But that isolation is why I am feeling lonely and sad. And I know wading in these feelings just feeds the black wolf but maybe he is hungry. Wolves get aggressive if they are not fed. It’s like the babadook – I can’t kill it and I can’t ignore it – I just have to face it and give it what it needs. what that is right now I’m not sure but I gotta figure that out.